Yes, I’m a fat girl and I’m here to confess.  I confess that there have been times, when I first came to the internet, that I pretended to be someone I was not.  I came in like a storm and left a path of destruction in my wake, leaving people dazed and confused.  I changed how I look, I changed my name, my occupation, anything and everything about me.  I was the girl next door, I was a bitch, I was sex maniac at one point.  

I was on a chat client one evening, talking to peeps when one asked me if there was by chance I had ever tried my had in role-playing.  I had not, so I decided to try.  That was a whole new world for me and I thrived in it.  I was the biggest newbie you could ever meet.  I had no clue on what all the technical stuff was.  Like the fighting styles of T1 and T2.  The language lost me completely.  But somehow I was able to avoid all that for a long period of time.  

I met some people on there, great players and I returned every night to lose myself in the world of role-playing.  Role-playing at that point had become my life.  My character was a character I had chosen from a story had been writing.  She was the best character I could have ever asked for from a story.  So things go on to where I met a certain guy on this chat client and some time after our characters married and it was just splendid.  We talked outside the role-playing bit, personal information was never exchanged really.  This went on for over a year, between us.

Then one night while outside the role-playing world he confesses his love for me.  He actually said “I love you”.  Now don’t get me wrong, I thought it was rather sweet.  We were friends, friends that knew nothing of each other.  I had seen a few blurred pictures of him before.  He had that rugged look about him, that skin and bone punkass look.  Then it came.  I had told him what I looked like, and showed him a picture to prove it after he laughed at me.  He couldn’t believe that; not me, surely.  I wanted him to know then what I looked like, to know the person whom he’d been talking to for so long.

“You just shattered my dreams”, came the reply.  I was stunned.  My heart stopped.  Tears rolled down my cheeks.  No.  This could not be happening.  “What do you mean?” I replied back.  I don’t know the exact words, but basically to put it.  Since I was fat he could no longer love me.  He could no longer think of me in a way that brought him pleasure.  I disgusted him.  Then the words came.

“I can change.  I’ll invest in gym equipment.  I. Can. Change.”  What in the world?  Was I actually saying that I could change just for him to love me?  Just for him to look at me without disgust?

Over the course of several weeks, we had continued to talk, but I could tell everything was different.  Our conversations always lead into “How much weight have you lost?” “Are you on a diet?”  “Are you exercising every day?”  “Don’t eat too much, remember?” It tore me apart.  

Slowly I broke away from him.  At first I’d have my mother tell him I was sick, or that I’d gone out with friends; just some lie so I wouldn’t have to deal with him.  Then I changed my screen name, changed my email address and disappeared into the cyber world.  I left him behind.  I do confess I talked to him on and off for awhile.  But it was always about him, going to kill himself.  It was too much drama for me to handle.  

I had feelings for him, I admit.  I did want to met him, get to know him better.  But I knew it would never be like it once had been.  Sitting here thinking of then makes me wonder about now.  He was as close to a boyfriend as I could have gotten then, or a very best friend who hurt me deeply.

I have since put up a wall around me so that wouldn’t happen again.  I have become more self aware than what I had been.  I’m more aware of looks I get, of the snickers and I’m always suspecting people are talking about me when I walk by.  I am not confident in my looks what so ever.  But sitting here, typing this out, I feel it is time for me to take action.  It is time for me to get everything off my chest and tell the world of how I feel.  

Strangers.  You do not know me.  You will never know me.  You will never comprehend the things I say or do, or how I act.  You will never know my passions, my desires, my fears, my dreams because you will only see what your heart can not accept.  You will see me as some obese woman.  You will see only what lies on the surface.  Because you are not willing to open up your peanut brain, or your blackened heart to see me for who I am.  You will never know the love I can give.  You will never know the compassion I can feel and give away.  

You will never know any of these things if you do not stop and realize that if we were all the same how boring life and the world without differences would be.  You will never know me at all if you do not accept me for who I am.

If there comes a day that I’ve shed this obese body it will not be because of hurtful words, or snickers behind hands, or whispers into ears, no!  It will not be because of that.  It will be because I knew it was time for me, myself, the person that I am, to change.  When that day comes, and I become a butterfly, I will leave you behind.  I will bask in the glow of life and I will find someone to love me for who I am.  

So if you can not accept me for who I am now, but come to me when I have changed, then you are not worth knowing.  You are not worth my time.  Because you are nothing now.. and you will never be anything to me later.

Take me for who I am.  Love me for me.  See the world through my eyes.