Ramblings..

The Ramblings of an Uncontrolled Mind


My words scrambled together like eggs Saturday morning.  My life seemed to be on hold while I looked for something I had thrown to the floor to be collected and put away later.  I felt broken almost.  I craved for things I couldn’t reach.  I longed for that day I could stand up and say: “Hey!  This is who I am.  Accept me.”   Forget that I was a 21 year old nobody.  I wanted change.

It wasn’t for anyone else, just for me.  I wanted everything, yet I wanted nothing.  I wanted the things that only movie stars have.  But I didn’t want the trouble of it.

Crazy.  Simple.

Mindless beings we all seem to be.  Casting shadows upon grounds that never belonged to us, only borrowed.

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Casting my shadow was a sin all on its own.  I wanted nothing more than to tear it down and start over again.  But would I still be the same?  Caution grew with each step I took.  I was.. afraid.  

Yelling words I scribbled upon paper could not lend themselves to a voice because I was scared.  Knowing how I feel was and is one thing, but voicing them is a different thing.  Forget the fact that I am a writer, how would I express my deepest desire, darkest secret, or worst nightmare?  I couldn’t.  I’d burst into flames.  Could you explain to people who don’t know you, don’t understand the things you try to say?  People say they hear you, but they don’t listen.  They say that they understand.  But do they?

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Breaking myself away from those I knew in High School, those people I considered friends, was nearly impossible.  But I managed to do it.  Do I have regrets?  Yes.  Would I do it over again?  Yes.  I broke away from what was holding me back, that took advantage of my very kindness.  I had no other choice but to do just that.  

I am now 24, and I see no one from my high school though I still live in the same town.  On occasion I see a familiar face.  But none are those I called friend.  They were the ones that powered on my will, gave me sight to see and the feet to step out on my own.  

I move forward now and all I can see is the road ahead.  My heart beats with anticipation, and my mind wanders to the far reaches of my universe wondering what tomorrow will bring.

I live life.  I live my own.  I no longer live the life they wanted.  I am as free as bird gliding on wind currents and I can only go higher.